Hypothetical Karzai-Omar debate

The world is trying to convince the Taliban leadership to renounce terrorism and take part in Afghanistan’s existing constitutional political system.

Well, let’s imagine Mullah Omar extricates himself from the ISI and agrees to challenge the incumbent “president” in a debate.

Here is a transcript of the most likely arguments and counterarguments the two will exchange:

Karzai: “Welcome brother! It’s great you’ve extricated yourself from the ISI. This is your country and I am very pleased to offer whatever you want. My government and I are at your service. What ministries and provinces do you want? How many armoured vehicles? How many mansions in Shirchoor? What about a luxury resort in Pam Jumaira in Dubai? Would you like a visit to Panjshir to Masoud’s tomb? Or you like an Uzbeki Qaboli at Dostum’s palace in Sheberghan? Or….”

Omar: “Nonsense! I want to revive my Islamic Emirate. I want you out of the Argg. I want your brother out of Kandahar. I want your American patrons out. I want your corrupt ministers out. You’re a coward and a looser. I am the future of this country….”

Karzai: “Well, dear brother. We can work together. Tell me what do you want, please tell me. It’s not good you – like others- call me corrupt. Where is corruption? Who is corrupt? What’s corruption? I am a great president. Look how highly the Americans are talking about me. If you join my government we will increase the GDP to $100,000, we will make great roads and Afghanistan will make airplanes. We will defeat the world in technology and sport. Please! Don’t you want all this?”

Omar: “I can’t work with your tugs. They’re criminals and murders. I don’t want your dollars. I seek Islam and the rule of Sharia. You’re such a great liar! You think I am fool? I know you’re all bluff and nonsense. You use rousing lies and never abide by your words. You’re a puppet. I don’t trust you a penny…”

Karzai: “OK! OK! Fine I am a puppet - so what? I am corrupt and a warlord - so what? I am a liar and bluff master - so what? Who cares about these issues? This is Afghanistan my friend. Don’t waste your time with these futile slogans. Just enjoy man! We’ve suffered a lot but now it t is our time to relax and prosper. Condemn the Satan and let’s go to Hazrat Sahib and kiss his hands and forget about the past….”

Omar: “What about that ‘black list’? What about my friends?”

Karzai: “Hey brother! Don’t worry about anything. You’re our hero and the Afghan people are proud of you. I have an inclusive government which strives to serve you and others like you. Women and girls will wear burqa – as you wish – and I will not allow any journalist or media to cause you any inconvenience with freedom of expression, human rights, democracy and other similar issues. You just let me rule and I assure you’ll really thrive. Please, I beg you!”

Omar: “Let me think. I’ll let you know when I make up my mind. But what is Obama saying about all this?”

Karzai: “OK! Dear brother. Take your precious time. Obama respects you man! He is our friend. He wants peace and welfare in our country. I spoke to him last week and he said ‘tell my brother – Omar – how long this fratricidal war should continue?’ he hates war and loves peace. You know he won a Nobel Peace Prize. He said if you join my government he will also give you a Nobel Prize…”

Omar: “Oh! Yeah I like a Nobel but I don’t like it to be shared with Masoud, Mazari, Fahim and others. I want a Nobel only for my self to honor my endeavors for peace.”

Karzai: “You definitely deserve it brother, you deserve it! America is a very rich and powerful country. They can give us anything we want. Dollars, power, fame, prizes and anything you want – they’re very reliable. I swear they are very good.”

Omar: “OK! I got to go now. Tell Obama to call my Quetta number and talk to me about my Nobel and other issues. Sorry I can’t trust you though!”

Karzai: “Sure sure. I will tell him. He’d love to talk to you. He respects you…

Omar: “Bye!”

Karzai: “Bye my dear brother! Take good care brother!”

[ENDS]